Losing
by pluto-mint
Summary: Gundam SEED. Athrun and Yzak bid their goodbye. Read and review please!


Disclaimer: Gundam Seed and related chara belong to Sunrise. They're not mine.

**Losing**

A Gundam SEED Fanfiction by pluto-mint

**Warning:** Aaaaaangst!

**Ratings:** PG

**Summary:** Athrun and Yzak bid their goodbye.

Losing 

Slowly, he climbed up the dark and narrow stairs. A little unbalanced at first, for he had lost too many bloods from his injuries. His breaths were shallow and short. Gasping, as the pain shot through his body, he gritted his teeth to hold back a whimper. His injured arm was holding a stack of papers with many musical notes written over it. And it's hard to keep his balance because his uninjured arm was holding a small porcelain box. But he was determined to make it to the end of the stairs.

And when he finally reached the door knob, he was panting slightly and pain seared his lungs. The night winds were sharp and salty, as he stepped into the dock, they bite his skins and making them flushed a little. No stars tonight, no moon, nothing. The sky's empty like a smooth dark velvet. There were only some silent ripples of the water because, somehow, the sea was calm tonight. And it was quiet and dark; he could hear his own footsteps echoed in the night. 

It was almost as if the place was also mourning with him, he thought silently, mourned for the lost of a dear friend. And this place, it held a special meaning to him; it was the last place he visited together with Nicol just before his death. And now, he was left with the guilt and self hate for unable to protect the ones that he loved, like his mother, Nicol, and… him. Kira.

He bit his trembled lips, he shall not cry. He was almost seventeen, he was old enough, and, by far, experienced enough to handle this kind of matter. He was strong and brave.

But still…

But still a boy that he is… so small and so fragile under the midst of a raging war.

He was only a child.

If he hadn't caught a flash of silver in the corner of his eyes, he might've been crying by now. Collecting himself together, he chanted the words, _boys don't cry especially not in front of another boy_. 

And with a calm voice he called his friend, "Yzak…"

***

The silver haired boy was actually enjoyed his solitude sometimes. He loved the silence and the serenity of the midnight's hours. And even though it's true that he was harsh and reckless but somewhere there's also a softer side of him that only a precious few could see. He was, afterall, an ordinary human. 

Dearka was one of the few people who see his softer side. Dearka had seen him cried, wept, and almost anything else. And now… now that he's gone, he didn't know what to do… The silence seemed to swallow him, engulfing him. He looked up to see the starless, the moonless sky, and felt so oddly alone. He used to watch the stars with him. He didn't like the silence anymore for Dearka was not here with him. It's true that he often visited the ship's deck at night, sometimes only by himself but most of the times Dearka was with him. He missed the blonde boy's company.

Hugging himself to his knees, Yzak tried to cope with the solitude. Dearka's not here anymore, they had lost contact with him on the last battle. He was missing in action, undeterminable whether he survived the battle or not. It seemed that the first one was the one that most likely to occur. Nicol was gone too; his death had hurt because partly he blamed himself for coming too late. And now, even though he never really gets along with Athrun; he was glad that the boy had survived the battle.

"Yzak…" Athrun's soft spoken voice brought him back from his reverie. He turned his eyes from the vast blue sea and saw the blue haired boy standing before the half opened door. His jade green eyes looked so empty and distant, making him almost like a living dead with his pale complexion. Funny, how a strong person like Athrun can look so fragile and vulnerable under the starless sky.

Watching his friend walking slowly to him, the papers in his injured hand rustled while his uninjured hand shakily held a small porcelain box, Yzak ran his fingers through his silver bangs and scolded, "Baka. What are you doing here? You're supposed to stay in bed right now."

"I'm sorry but there's something more important that I must do right now," Athrun's voice was a bare whisper. His steps seemed a little unbalanced, the porcelain box clattered slightly with his every step.

"Here, let me hold that for you," Yzak offering his hand to him, pointing at the porcelain box. Athrun only smiled but refused to hand the box to Yzak's welcomed hand. 

"Damnit! I'm trying to help you here!" Yzak's temper started to flare, he didn't know why but his temper seemed to arise every time Athrun was near. From the very start Yzak had always took Athrun as his rival. If Athrun is the moon; quiet and calm, then Yzak can be described as the sun; fiery and burning.  The sun had always chased the moon but somehow the sun can never reach the moon. That's what they are.

"I apologize, but this box… this box is my responsibility Yzak," Athrun's voice was so soft and quiet.

For a while Yzak was taken aback when he saw the look in his friend's eyes, so sad and so broken, "Che. Then hand me the notes if you want to. Do you know how creepy you are?" turning his cheek to the other side with a frown, Yzak tried to hide his shock.

After a few minutes of silence, Athrun finally gave him the papers. "These.. these are.. his. All of his." 

Athrun's voice was sad and full of regrets, Yzak blinked an took the paper, trying to process the words. And when he saw the writings on the paper, Yzak trembled slightly, "These… these are… his writings, his musical notes. Nicol…"

The memory of his green haired friend flashed inside his mind; the smile, the laughter, the memory of when they first meet; the memory of everything. He remembered him, he remembered his death…

Suddenly the sadness turned into pain and anger. The pain and the anger of losing his friends, Dearka and Nicol, in the battle flared anew and he grabbed Athrun's collar. "What? Just what are you trying to do with these papers?" teeth gritted, harsh words coming from his mouth. 

Athrun just stared at him with a distant look, unreadable. Head bowed slightly as he whispered almost quietly, "To bid him goodbye. To tell him I'm sorry. To tell him how he had become the one who saved myself. To asked him whether I should keep on walking this damned path without him…"

The thin fabrics slipped through Yzak fingers, "What…?"

The calm tone burned his heart. How can Athrun stay so calm after they lost Dearka and Nicol? Why can't he feel the same sorrow that haunted Yzak's dreams? Weren't they his friends too? Why? He's too angry to find out the reasons. 

Tears falling from the corner of his eyes, Yzak screamed and fell down his knees. Crying almost hysterically, "It's not fair!!! How can you stay so calm in times like this?"

Crying, screaming, he choked between his sobs and before Yzak knew it, Athrun's uninjured arm draped around his shaky form. The porcelain box rested on the floor besides his knees, witnessing how the blue haired boy breaks. Tears from the anger, the regret, and the sadness for everything, for his life… their life; stolen and lost in the midst of a raging war. Tears were streaking upon his cheeks, eyes water and glassy, the boy sobbed silently, with sorrow, with sadness. _Mother… Nicol… Kira…_

Yzak felt the arm around his shoulder and slithered his arms around the shaky form, crying, weeping, regretting his words to the other boy. 

"Dearka… we've lost him too… it's not fair!! We're only sixteen!" Yzak whispered between his muffled sob, clinging to Athrun like a life line. 

"We're only sixteen, Athrun…"

***

He could feel the other boy's tears in his shoulder, soaking through the fabric of his t-shirt. His whispers were weak between his muffled sobs, "We're only sixteen, Athrun…"

Yzak was right, even though they had been in every battle between Plant and the earth, they were only sixteen, only children; young and lost and angry for the never ending battle. The school, the first kiss, the glory of their youth, all was lost. 

Both boys cried and wept until both find solace in each other's arm. A peaceful silence engulfed them, the shallow breathings after the sobs heard in the quiet night. Their faces were wet with tears, hair damped and eyes all puffy and red. Athrun lifted his gaze to Yzak, "Alright…?"

"Yeah…" head rested on Athrun shoulder, his silver hair tickled the other boy's skin. After a brief silence, Yzak rose from his knees and wiped his face with the back of his hand before offer his hand to Athrun and smiled weakly, "Sorry… you have to see me cry."

And though Athrun still have that distant look in his eyes but now a small light can be seen in his jade green eyes. Yzak helped him to his knees, and handed him the box, "I'll help you. I want to bid my good bye too."

"Thank you." A soft smile graced the blue haired boy's face, grateful for his friend's understanding. The two boys walked silently to the edge of the deck, the porcelain box held safely in Athrun's arm.

He took a deep breath as they reached the edge, "Do you know Yzak? This is the place where Nicol told me his reasons of fighting. He said that he fought to protect the ones that he loved. I don't have that kind of reason, and I don't think I ever will. He's better than me and though he was younger but he… he understands the war better than me. I don't even know what to fight anymore after he's gone." _After Kira's gone too…_

"… in my hands." His hands were full with blood of the one he loved. He killed him.

Yzak hated to see his friend broken like this. He used to blame him for Nicol's death but now… now it doesn't seemed so fair. Athrun must have been through harder times than him. He's still a child too.

"Baka. It's not your fault." Yzak cupped his face until their eyes meet and bore into his gaze, "If anything was, it was this war's fault." 

The green orbs just stared before he smiled, and eventhough the smile didn't reach his eyes, Yzak can't helped but to feel relief at the smile. At least now he know that Athrun will live. "So stop being a miserable guy and start to fight again. With me." Yzak said in a whisper, offering his friendship and trying to amend his fault.

Athrun lowered his gaze and whispered softly, "I don't know." He didn't want to fight anymore, it felt so wrong. Yzak's hand left his face and the silver haired boy smiled with understanding, "It's okay. You've been through a lot so take your time."

The wind brushed their skin, the soft ripple sound of the sea comforting them in peace, in understanding. Athrun turned his gaze to the sea and sighed.

"It's time, Yzak. It's time to bid our goodbye to Nicol, to Dearka…" _to Kira._

***

The dry sands of the beach where Strike burned were the only remnant of Kira, and they slipped between his fingers. It was time to say good bye, he reach for the sand in the small porcelain box, and poured the sand to the sea. Watching how the sands flown by the wind with such sadness.

"I'm sorry…" he whispered weakly, "I killed you… I didn't protect you… I'm sorry… Please forgive me…" 

A silent tear fell from his eyes. 

"I'm sorry…"

Tears fell from his eyes like rivers of sadness.

"And even though you are gone now, I will see you… I will feel you… I will keep you… forever and always… forever."

He wept silently and didn't bother to wipe the tears from his eyes.

Goodbye Kira… 

***

Yzak watched how the tears flow from Athrun's eyes. The words of goodbyes and regrets can be heard as the sands flown by the wind. Athrun reached for the paper in his hands and letting go of it with such sadness and grief.

He averted his gaze and braced himself as the first paper touch the sea. The images of Nicol and Dearka danced before his eyes… and tears falling freely from his eyes.

And he bid his his goodbye, along with the other papers that soon followed

The papers were floating before the sea drowned them to eternity. 

And Yzak cry to the loss of his friends. 

***

And Athrun… though he was weeping silently his shoulders were shaken to his sobs.

Between his muffled sobs, Athrun mumbled the words of sorry, of regrets for unable to protect both Kira and Nicol, they all died by his hands.

"Nicol… Dearka… please forgive me… you'll live forever within my heart."

"I'm sorry…"

As the last paper drowned to the sea, Yzak whispered silently,

"Goodbye…"

~Fin~

A/N: Do you like it? I was rather unsattisfied with the fic but I hope you like it. I know that I was supposed to write the Dearka/Yzak as I promised you before on my other GSEED fic but this fic came into my mind and I can't help but to write it. I hope you enjoy the fic. 

And though I was planning to write the fic as a non shounen-ai fic, but as I re-read the fic again I do admit that there are few shonen ai hints in here. But you can ignore it if you want to.

Again, please read and review! And no flame please… 


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